Pickles
by Coal15
Summary: Just a short PARODY fic. In script format because that's how it was in my head. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE AN ICHATRINA/KATRINA FAN, for you will cry many tears. I just wrote this to bring funnies, not to be mean! (Okay, maybe a little to be mean.)


**WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! If you are fan of Katrina/Ichatrina, turn back now! This fic will only upset you!**

ARCHIVES ROOM. Jenny sits at a desk eating pickles from a jar and flipping through a book. Katrina is curled up asleep in the world's most comfortable chair. Ichabod crouches by her side, gazing lovingly and stroking her hair.

Abbie and Hawley enter, looking defeated.

ABBIE: Well that was a bust. We couldn't find the Mystical Thing. (Looks at Katrina) maybe she'll have another vision about it.

HAWLEY: With maybe this time with details more specific than 'an object of great power' and 'you will find it at the river.'

ICHABOD: (indignant) She also said it was round. Possibly oval.

HAWLEY: Have you _seen_ the riverbank, Crane? Covered with rocks. _Thousands_ of rocks!

ABBIE: (scoffs) Fine, insult our most valuable asset.

HAWLEY: How is she our most valuable asset?! Seriously, I want examples, because I feel like I'm the only one seeing this!

He points at Katrina while Ichabod continues to gaze and stroke her hair.

ICHABOD: (wistful sigh) I see only the love of my life. I find her especially stunning when she sleeps.

HAWLEY: Then you must spend like half of every day feeling stunned, dude.

Ichabod is too absorbed with doting on his wife to respond.

JENNY: Using magic is draining, Hawley! She has to recover or . . . recharge, or . . . whatever it is powerful witches do to stay _super_ powerful.

KATRINA: (farts)

JENNY: She is constantly putting herself in danger for this mission! (munches pickle) Do you know how many times she's been kidnapped or knocked unconscious in the line of duty? Over half the time Abbie, Crane, or I have to finish a spell because she _literally_ can't do it!

HAWLEY: Totally suspicious, but continue.

JENNY: Y'know what? No. I'm not even gonna bother since you are _clearly_ determined not to like her!

ABBIE: (to Hawley) And she is a beautiful cupcake who deserves all of the puppies!

HAWLEY: (cringe) What kind of idiot talks like that?

JENNY: Pfft! Whatever. Done. Abbie, you should've been here an hour ago, it was awesome! I could not get this pickle jar open, I tried, and tried, and tried, and then Katrina came in and opened it just like THAT!

JENNY SNAPS HER FINGERS. ABBIE GASPS IN AMAZEMENT.

ABBIE: She opened a pickle jar with _magic?_

JENNY: Yes! Awesome, right? I mean, it did _look_ like she was only using her hands, but this lid was on really tight. Seriously. So I'm sure her magic is what did it. She's kind of a magic ninja, isn't she? (munches pickle) If all of us were as powerful, and strong, and desirable, and interesting, and brave as her, the minions of hell would just run away screaming! Want a pickle?

Abbie turns down the pickle.

HAWLEY: Do you people even listen to yourselves when you talk? Like, the words coming out of your mouth as compared to-

KATRINA : (farts again, mutters something)

HAWLEY: -the reality? There is a _huge_ difference.

Both Abbie and Jenny jump up, ready to spring into action.

JENNY: (to Ichabod) What she say? Was it important? About the Mystical Thing?

ICHABOD: Alas, I could not make out the words.

HAWLEY: (yells) You're three inches from her face!

Ichabod continues to dote, unfazed by Hawley's words or volume.

ICHABOD: Perhaps she will soon repeat it.

HAWLEY: Yes, let's all hold our breath for that-seriously, no one else thinks she's at all suspicious? Even _a little?_

ABBIE: I am so done with your hateful unfairness! I'm going back to the river to keep looking. Text me if she has another vision.

JENNY: I'll go with you!

ABBIE: No! You stay here and finish the pickles. Katrina touched the jar, she might be trying to share her powers with you.

HAWLEY: (to himself) idiotic.

JENNY: (amazed) What a brilliant way to be useful!

HAWLEY: (to himself) Of course.

Abbie exits. Jenny devours pickles as fast a humanly possible to absorb their incredible powers, and Ichabod stands up, turning to Hawley.

ICHABOD: I too am _"so done"_ with your determination to criticize my wife! After all it was her magic which preserved me to awake in this era and continue my mission!

HAWLEY: Are we sure that was intentional? I've never been clear on that.

ICHABOD: She assures me it was-and even had she emerged from Purgatory with all of her formidable powers spent and forever, she would remain the greatest magic in my eyes! For our love holds me captive!

HAWLEY: (to Jenny, whisper) Does he have to-

JENNY: (whisper) Shhhh! I love these speeches!

ICHABOD: It is she who fills my heart with light and joy! Her every word is pure poetry, her touch a beautiful-

Ichabod's cell phone buzzes with a text. Ichabod checks it immediately.

ICHABOD: Miss Mills is in danger, I must go! The two of you remain and guard my wife with your very lives, she is an asset we _cannot_ afford to lose!

Ichabod runs from the room, only to poke his head back in a moment later.

ICHABOD: Also, I love her.

He exits again. Jenny shrugs and continues eating her pickles.

HAWLEY: Jenny, what the hell are you doing? Go help you sister, I 'll guard the . . . her.

JENNY: Abbie knows the risks, she's a Witness _,_ remember? And she'd be pissed if she found out I left nothing but your sorry ass here to protect the best-

HAWLEY: -the best spy/witch/soldier/wife ever, got it. Fine.

Jenny finishes the last pickle.

JENNY: You have to admit though, it is really sweet and romantic the way he puts freakin' everything on the line to protect her.

HAWLEY: By 'her' you mean Abbie, right? You did see him bolt outta here like is ass was on fire when got that text, right?

JENNY: She's his co-Witness, it's his sacred duty! Not that they're not friends, but it's pretty obvious what he has with Katrina exists on a much deeper _emotional_ level.

HAWLEY: Obvious _how?_

JENNY: The way he talks about her., dumbass! The only time he's _more_ _eloquent_ is when he talks about the Witness Bond.

HAWLEY: (!)

JENNY: (?)

HAWLEY: _(!)_

JENNY: _(?)_

Hawley's eyes practically bug out of his head trying to get Jenny to pick up his point. Finally, she gets it.

JENNY: (yells) THEY'RE MARRIED!

HAWLEY: I quit.

Jenny scowls and chugs pickle juice as Hawley exits. Katrina begins to snore. Really loud.

THE END.


End file.
